So i’ve been ranting about one thing all these years. About how i don’t have any friends. One reason for sure is i’m afraid to think that i’m their friend. like. for real. i don’t know why. i don’t know how. i don’t know since when or where i got this idea. but the thoughts are always there. that maybe. i’m actually not important enough to be considered a friend.
and that’s actually how i become this guy who weirdly thinks he is alone. someone who’s afraid to tell people his stories just because he’s afraid nobody will take it seriously. or because he’s afraid of being judged.
but i actually want it
a friend
a shoulder that i can lean to
a comrade
but maybe that’s what called being selfish. a friend should be a two-way interaction. right? it’s not just about me but it’s also about them. so i tried to turn it 180 degrees. i consider those who wants to talk about their lives with me a friend. it went well for a short time.
and it happened
some of my “friends” had bad things happened to them. and i know from their other friends by accidentally listened to their conversation. it was like really bad i really wanted to comfort them. but the thoughts came
“they didn’t tell me”
“all this time?”
“was i.... wrong?”
once again i considered myself unimportant. i was like. “ah... i’m not that important i guess”. and i can guess what you guys who are reading this are thinking right now.
hey... isn’t that just being self-centered? you’re selfish in a way.
that’s also what i thought. in the end i was the one who’s didn’t want to talk to them. in the end i was the one who couldn’t reach out to them. in the end... i was the one who didn’t consider them as a friend. my friends.
in the end. the reason i was lonely all this time is not because nobody wanted to be my friend. it’s just.
i never have been a proper friend.
not. even. once.
the fact that i was afraid to consider myself as their friend is one of many things that prove it. i don’t know... it’s weird... it’s sad...
i just...
don’t know...
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