Pain

Life is a long running series of pain.

That's what i realized. When i think about my whole life, i actually never did anything with the purpose of getting something. I have no dreams or actually, i no longer have any dreams. I see everyday as a pain and my only purpose of living each days is to get out of it. That's why i study hard or work hard. The reason i'm so disappointed when i didn't pass a subject is because doing it again is definitely a pain in the ass, and being a burden is also a pain in the ass.

I never do anything for any reward/ And rewards are just something that rarely comes anyway. It's rare and especially short. So i just do what i'm told while half believing i really wanna do it too with the purpose of getting out of it. I go to school to graduate so i don't have to go to school anymore. But the thing is when you've become an adult, you'll know it'll keep coming.

Middle school me didn't really think about what high school would like.

High school me started to think about the university life

First half of University me thought about years ahead.

Nowadays me know exactly how painfull the rest of my life will be.

The pain is constant. Only death can relieve you from the pain. That's why i think happy people tend to keep trying to make themselves happy and keep trying to keep happiness in their everyday life. They got married, or have a fulfilling job, or live together with best friends, or pursuing their passion, and etc. But for me those things are inexistant. Happiness is something that rarely occured for me. Reward is a legendary rare item.

Reward is rare, and pain is constant.

That's why i always think the happy days are just dreams. When i spent a day happily i'll go home with a gloomy face. "Let's go back to reality," i said.

And then i'll think

"what the hell am i doing?" 

"why do i keep doing this?"

"even the dreams don't feel that good anymore because i know they're just dreams"

In the end

This life

Is just a long running series of pain

and it's killing me