This is about endless beginning... about my life... that i want to tell you guys...
Like for real...
Well.. you know i just made a mini album called [endless beginning] and
i did explain why it’s called endless beginning which the story is just the
surface of the real endless beginning. I guess?
I really don’t want to be popular just because i’m sad. This post wasn’t
made to get sympathy considering nobody read my blog anyway J. But i
was like on the edge... or... not? I was like really stressed out. But i think
i shouildn’t be stressed out because my life is great... compared to other
people’s lifes... i’m just a 20 years old boy... what do i know about real
suffering... and that thoughts... stressed me out some more.
I won’t post this to anywhere else and i won’t promote it. This wasn’t
mean to be read... but my psychiatry teacher told me that not talking about my
sadness might bring me a mental illness. I don’t have anyone to talk about
this. I can’t talk about it to my parents, why? Because i’m spoiled already. Like
for real i shouldn’t even be stressed out for crying out loud. But yeah... this
is the story of the endless beginning.
The song END and BEGIN are the main songs, the things that i wanna tell
you guys. The other songs aren’t about it except Tooku.
I entered university when i was fifteen years old. The problems i faced
that time are not that complicated honestly. I don’t really have something that
i wanna do, i do have a dream but i can’t even dream about trying to reach
that, nobody actually liked me, or understood me, i can’t face my
responsibilities properly, i’m useless, etc, etc, etc. Pretty much what a
normal person faced.
But i’m weak. Like REALLY WEAK. I don’t wanna do this. I’m fed up. FUCK
IT! Well i was a fifteen years old medical stundent, cut me some slack.
Well, one day i met this bunch of people. FUN people. We clicked, we
have things in common, i like being with them, etc, etc. Where did i meet them
you ask? Internet. Of course the internet. I talk with them in this particular
chatroom. My parents are okay with that, being a doting parents they always
are. So, everything’s going good for me, man. Now i have friends to talk about
animanga shit, gaming stuffs, and another random bullshit i wanna talk about. I
met these great guys. Not just in the internet but we met in real life. And i
met this girl, let’s say she’s Sacchan (from the no time no life stuff you guys
remember? XD). I kinda....
Liked her? I guess?
WELL YES
I LOVE HER SO MJUCH. LIKE FOR REAL! Lol this is embarassing
Well pretty much Sacchan and everybody gave color to my life and i think
i might wanna stop bitching around and start doing something. I can face any
test as long as i can go home and talk with them. And about my crush thing? I actually
don’t really wanna talk about it or even confess.
Let me tell you one thing. I’M NOT GOOD AT HOPING SOMETHING TO HAPPEN. I
overthink or actually too optimistic to the point that i’m not being realistic.
And everytime i did that, the worst happen and i suffered from that. So... i
tried to fix that.
This girl might be the one. She understand me, we have a lot in common,
and etc etc. But.... i don’t wanna break anything espescially our friendship. Because
it’s something i don’t have in my life for a while. Someone who actually said
that she’s happy to talk to me. Or that i’m a nice person eventhough i just sit
in the other side of the chatroom talking with her.
So, i think it’s safe to hope that if i never do anything i won’t
destroy anything and i might be her friends for a really long time. And that’s
all i wanted that day.
But yeah, i was too optimistic i guess.
After saying “we have to meet again one day” at one morning after a
long chat like all night long. She’s gone.
Like
Gone
I was devastated. And as if it’s not enough, with a big fight the
community broke up just a few months after the incident, everybody kinda drove
apart, and i failed classes. ALL WHILE CRYING FOR A FREAKING YEAR!
And then a lot of things happen, everybody got their own circle, i made
one but can’t maintain it and i practically needed to go for my own reason,
some people in the real life move out and get their own circle of friends, my
high school friends grew up and moved on, and university life got much and much
more complicated.
Now, it’s already 4 years from that time. Life is just too hard now. Things
at the hospital are just too complicated and hard. I’m just too stupid for this
thing. I can’t talk to anybody ‘cause i’m scared i’m bothering them for being a
whiny person. And of all things, i still can’t move on.
Sacchan was the best, and will always be. That’s what i think.
But it’s hard you know. I’m useless in the hospital, i’m not brave enough
to talk to other people, and the girl i love didn’t even exist anymore and i
still love her like an idiot. I upload songs every year on the date of her
death and her birthday. And i decided to release all my songs on her birthday. You
know... July 26th.
It’s weird because everytime i think about her i imagine she will be
really angry if i gave up. Like offended. Like i’m insulting her if i stopped. So
everytime i think about her i smiled a little bit, i cried a little bit, and i
do what i have to do.
When i think about it... if this is a visual novel... the route ended
at the beginning... and i’m forced to click “quit game” at the game over
screen... but i don’t want to...
this beginning will not end...
i’m not allowing it to end...
even if it hurts...
so
much
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